I was in a terrible state to talk that night.
In between fear, disbelief and crying, I was useless for quality conversation.
I was in shock not only about my husband telling me he was divorcing me, but that he
had gone to our boys and told them before me.
I knew that he had done this to make things easier for himself.
How he looked in this process was important to him and he wanted the upper hand.
Even at the expense of our children’s emotions.
I have read over and over that the proper way to tell your children about a divorce, no
matter what the age, is to do it together.
Face the emotions together.
He had done what worked best for him.
Something I think I had gotten used to in our years together but did not quite know the
extent of until the divorce process.
I felt torpedoed for myself, but my heart was crushed for my boys.
No child should have to be put in that position in their parents’ divorce.
There was not a lot I was able to talk about that evening and after my boys went home
I threw a tantrum.
A tantrum for my own personal pleasure as there was nobody else to really watch it
unfold except my 3 dogs, 2 fish, 1 rabbit, 5 chickens and 2 goats.
As the reality of things started sinking in, my anguish at my husband choosing to
dismantle our family and seek happiness on a different path tore my heart to pieces.
Thoughts rushed in and as I looked back over that past year or two (maybe more) and I
realized how long he must have been preparing to ask me for a divorce.
Something had felt off to me, but I pushed it to the side as improvements to our home
took shape.
But now the reality of everything began to hit me.
All the yard work and landscaping he had suddenly gotten around to doing.
All the house updates he had suddenly gotten done.
Buying me a new used car of my own in the past few months.
My old one had been turned over to our youngest son.
I would learn that he got me the car to balance out his intention of taking his car and
our truck in the divorce-as well as a dismantled Bronco.
I cried with happiness the day he pulled up in our driveway with the car for me.
I’m embarrassed now at what he must have been thinking when he saw me so excited
about something he was giving to me with bad intentions.
He had recently sold our travel trailer and told my son and I that it was to “update to a
newer one before it lost too much value”.
But he could never quite give us an answer as to when we were getting the new one to
go family camping with.
When I think about the conversations our youngest son had with his Dad and I talking
about planning a trip to our favorite place at the beach and the hemming and hawing
my husband had done knowing full well that wasn’t going to happen, I am so sad.
He had also gotten rid of the old truck that had sat in our yard for the past 15 plus
years.
A truck that I thought he would never get rid of.
It had become a permanent part of our landscape.
The list goes on and on for the home improvements that took place.
I felt Blessed and happy that it was all happening, yet I now know they were done in
preparation for asking me for a divorce and selling our home.
Goodness was I was feeling like a fool.
Fool isn’t even a strong enough word.
At the realization that everything was done to divorce me, the joy I had once felt for all
the wonderful changes in my home and yard left me.
Everything took on new meaning.
What once brought me joy gave me a deep sorrow I had never felt before.
That evening after my boys had left, I walked around my yard like a tornado.
Talking and crying to myself.
I ripped down birdhouses that I had put around our yard.
They were not in use at the time as the season had passed for the babies, but when it
was the season for babies I took so much pleasure in watching as the birds went in and
out of the houses to care for their little ones.
I picked up paving stones from our yard that represented our family over the years.
I took down the sign that had our family name on it.
I ripped down my solar lights that lined my treasured garden like fairy lights.
I even ripped up some of my yard plants that got in the way of my path of destruction.
I took down my beautiful bird bath.
The one that brought me so much joy when I watched the birds dance and play in it
daily.
It had become a favorite attraction in my yard for the birds and me.
Watching hummingbirds dance in a fountain of water is magical.
I cut down my hammock from between the trees.
I gathered everything and carried it to my shed and stacked it in a pile.
I wanted nothing to do with any of it anymore.
Next, I turned my attention to the inside of my house.
I walked around taking pictures and decor off the walls.
I took the curtains down.
I gathered up family pictures and placed them in a pile.
I no longer wanted my husband to even glance at the family I felt he was betraying.
I stacked everything on the kitchen table, gathered my 2 inside dogs and crawled into
bed…