I don’t remember how long I stayed in bed.
I got out periodically to take the dogs to the bathroom, but even that was less than
they were accustomed to.
I didn’t sleep.
Insomnia was my companion.
Thoughts came from every direction and took over my whole being.
I cried.
I cried.
I cried.
And then I cried some more.
I had multiple conversations with God.
My relationship with him was already suffering-surely he wasn’t going to let the last
27 plus years end like this?
Not after everything that had been endured.
Not after all the praying.
Not after all the begging.
Please don’t add divorce to everything else.
Where was he?
I’m sure he was asking the same question of me.
Where was I?
I have done a lot of praying these past few years, but that had become the extent of
my relationship and walking with him.
I’m not sure how long I had been in bed before my youngest son came back home.
He had gone to his brother’s house so they could watch over him for a few days in the
midst of all the chaos.
Because my two oldest sons had already moved out but our youngest son was still
living in the Family home, the divorce has affected him in a different way.
It became a different kind of burden for him.
I hate when people say divorce doesn’t affect grown children.
It’s horrible for all children, but in many ways I believe it is worse for adult children.
I think some parents of adult children that divorce like to say that their children are
grown and they will be fine.
I think they say this to make themselves feel better about the divorce.
The children are never fine.
Yes, life goes on, but at a price for all.
My son came home and crawled into bed with me and told his Mama she was going to
be ok.
YOU are going to get through this Mom.
WE are going to get through this Mom.
In the midst of my sorrows, having my boy next to me was a comfort that can only be
understood by others who have gone through this pain.
And in spite of knowing how pathetic you are in these moments-you just can’t seem to
pull yourself out of them.
No matter how hard you try.
You can’t stop the fear you feel.
You can’t stop the sorrow you feel.
You can’t stop the disbelief you feel.
Every thought was overwhelming me and swallowing me in a dark cloud.
Somebody else was making decisions that affected every part of my life and I had
no say in any of it.
No control over it.
I felt more old and more tired than I ever had before.
This can’t be happening.
Please God don’t let this happen to me or my boys.
I knew that my husband and I had many issues in our relationship.
But I knew that everybody had issues in their relationships.
My husband was the only man I had ever been in a relationship with.
I chose to marry him.
I chose to make a commitment and I believed in it.
I’ve seen a lot of divorces.
Almost every young couple that married around the same time my husband and I had
married had gotten divorced.
I had always been determined that this would not be the path for me or my children.
I’ve never seen a divorce where the children didn’t suffer in some way for the rest of
their families lives.
People learn to move on from divorce, but the suffering is always there.
Family roles change.
Responsibilities change.
Relationships become strained and fractured.
Different life events take on different meanings.
Because of this, no matter what happened within our marriage, I was determined to
endure it.
I have always felt like more would be lost in divorce than in staying in my marriage.
I was willing to be set on fire every day of my life before putting my boys through a
divorce.
It doesn’t matter how absurd something like that sounds-when you’re living it every
day it becomes your normal.
A strong relationship between parents is a gift we give our children.
How can I know this and still have failed at it?
And if I’m so aware of how broken we were as a couple, why was the divorce so
devastating to me?
I can’t explain this.
Where is the strong woman I once was?
When I look over my married life and how things were from the very beginning, I have
to accept that with all the brokenness we had, there was never going to be a forever in
our journey…