I felt a sense of release when I was throwing my tantrum, but the next morning when I
woke up I felt guilty about being so childish.
Not that I think the chickens or the goats minded, but I still felt bad about it and told
myself that I would only allow myself that one tantrum.
After my son had returned home, he walked around the house putting almost
everything back up that he was able to.
All by himself.
He didn’t like the idea of living in the house with everything taken down.
I felt bad that I hadn’t thought of how it might affect him when I was ripping everything
down.
I apologized for my tantrum.
I kept my word to myself and haven’t thrown a tantrum like that since.
I’ve still had emotional moments.
Very emotional outbursts and moments.
But nothing like that tantrum.
My first plan of action was to just lay in bed, do nothing and let my husband divorce
me.
I decided to give my boys Power of Attorney to sign everything and allow them to
share among themselves anything that went to me in the divorce.
I wanted no part in the dismantling process of our family.
I sent a long message to my boys and told them this plan.
I was walking around in a haze and just wanted to quietly find another world to live in.
After a few days, I followed up the message I sent my boys with a long apology
message and told them I would do my best to try to pick myself up and walk through
the divorce with a little more dignity.
Both messages were pathetic.
I hated being so pathetic and yet I couldn’t seem to control it.
Nothing I was saying or doing made sense.
Goodness there is nothing like having your parents go through a divorce and your Mom
is losing her mind and sending you her emotional ramblings.
The stress this must have added to my boys brings me such shame.
To make matters worse I had neglected my health for a long time and was in the
process of trying to take care of some serious health issues.
I cried out to God that I couldn’t handle both the divorce and the health issues at the
same time.
I was as close to a breakdown as I had ever been…