It wasn’t just the house sale preparations that he had been planning for.
There were other things.
A few months before asking me for the divorce, he bought a car for me.
It wasn’t new, but it was a cute little car and I liked it.
The car I normally drove was now mostly driven by our youngest son since he had
gotten his license.
What I initially thought was a kind thing on his part, was done in order to make sure I
had a car of my own so he could take our beautiful family truck, the current Honda car he
drove and a Ford Bronco 4×4 in the divorce.
The day he brought the car home and drove it in the yard I stood in our driveway and
cried happy tears.
Crying.
It’s what I do.
I was so excited and thanked him over and over.
I’m humbled with embarrassment now thinking about what he must have thought as
he drove into our driveway that day with the car and saw me outside reacting with so
much happiness and him knowing the real reason behind giving me the car.
Now, when I look over my life and the divorce, I think about so many things
I was ignorant of that bring me embarrassment.
If they gave out patches for embarrassment, I would have boxes full.
It is honestly hard for me to even look at the car now.
Every time I get in it and drive it, I am reminded of the dark reason for its purchase.
It may seem silly as it’s just a car, but getting something with bad intention makes
everything about it feels dirty and terrible.
I’m hoping that terrible feeling will someday pass, as I have no choice but to drive it at
this point as I have no other vehicle.
I keep telling myself to look at the Blessing in it.
I need to be thankful to have a vehicle at all.
There is a deep sadness that comes over me when I realize that so much of my life for
the past few years was a lie. And maybe even longer than that.
Knowing that some in his inner circle (and some in his outer circle) knew about his plan
to divorce me before I did feels so unkind and surreal.
I look back and feel like I was on a stage, and everyone was looking down at me and
laughing.
Laughing at the woman that had no idea that her life wasn’t real.
When I chatted and laughed and thanked them for help with work around our
house-they knew a secret.
When we gathered for family events including our last Christmas as an extended
Family-some knew a secret.
I feel deep embarrassment.
There’s another patch.
I know I am not the only woman (or man) going through a divorce to go through these
types of things.
But it doesn’t matter that you know so many other people go through divorce and go
through these same things.
When you go though it yourself you feel alone.
Alone in your pity.
Alone in your embarrassment.
Alone in your mistakes and your foolishness.
Alone in your fear.
Very, very alone…