My attorney told me that because I did not have access to our financial information, and
we would have to rely on the information my husband provided, I would need to do my
best to look everything over and let them know if it was accurate to the best of my
knowledge.
It took me a few days to gather the courage to look things over.
I was scared of what I might find and what it would add to my already frail emotions.
It sounds silly to admit, but it was my new reality.
When I finally summoned up the courage to begin reading over the 50 plus pages of
documents, it felt like I was living someone else’s life.
And what I feared became my reality as I read over things I was completely unaware
of.
The vulnerability you feel swallows you up.
The foolishness you feel swallows you up.
I had trusted my husband completely with our finances.
I was an open book regarding every cent I have spent for the past 27 plus years.
There was nothing I spent money on that he did not know about.
In addition to what I spent; I turned over every bit of money I received to him. My
paychecks from my jobs, my disability payments and even every personal birthday
check was turned over to him. I never spent them on myself. I always turned every cent
over to what I saw as our family finances.
I would learn how foolish my blind trust in him had been.
I learned things I knew nothing about-in addition to the hidden Amazon purchases he
had hoped to keep from me that I knew were not likely to be the only ones.
In his paperwork to the court my husband disclosed a large loan against his 401K that
we had been paying back each month for a few years.
When I read this information, I felt as though I had been hit over the head with a board.
I didn’t understand what I was reading at first.
It didn’t make sense to me.
At a time when our family finances were at their best with 3 less people living in our
home, less use of utilities, less groceries, less gas for our cars etc., he had taken out a
loan.
And he had never said a single word to me about it.
Touching a 401K was something he had always told me was a bad financial move for
people.
We had known people that did it and he said we would never ever do such a thing.
I couldn’t believe it when I saw it on the paperwork.
I couldn’t understand why he had done something he had always said was wrong to
do financially.
I didn’t know what the money was used for.
It was a large sum for us as a family.
And it was now a loan that I had to pay ½ of back in the divorce settlement.
That stings.
To this day, I have no idea what it was for, and I have no plans to ask him about it.
My heart had come to accept that no matter what his explanation for it was to me, I
could never be sure it was the truth.
Lies do this.
They make you doubt everything.
Once I started seeing a pattern of dishonesty and deceit with him, I began feeling more
and more vulnerable just to be in the same room as him.
I couldn’t look at him, be anywhere near him or even hear his voice without physically
shaking.
What did it feel like for him to carry all this deceit around in his heart?
I felt like I was finding out my husband was living a double life.
One life in front of me and one behind my back.
And it was more than him being my husband-he was the Father of my 3 sons.
This was the man that was supposed to set an example for my boys.
I no longer respected the Father of my children.
I no longer wanted my boys to be anything like their Dad.
This realization brought me deep aching sorrow.
I couldn’t stop myself from wondering just how much he had kept hidden from me
during our marriage and if lies had always been a constant companion for us.
It haunts your thoughts even when you try to push it away.
And I spent every day and many sleepless nights trying to push it away.
Each time I learned new pieces of information, more pieces of me tore off.
Even if my husband was to tell me the truth, I would now doubt it.
If he were to tell me it was not going to rain, I would get my umbrella.
I felt cheated out of the safe place I had once been in when I trusted him with my
whole heart.
With my whole life.
He had told me many times over the years that he hated liars.
I believed him…